Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize