I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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