real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
