My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
