Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
