ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
