vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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