I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
