Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Mom said you looked used
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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