I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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