giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
