I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
