I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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