I feel like abortions should bother me more
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
