You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
