I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize