Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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