4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
