Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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