my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize