headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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