did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
