My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Someone shattered a urinal.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
