Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so much tequila, so little girl.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
