I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
