Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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