If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
