Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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