so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
