if i can run in heels then i can drive
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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