So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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