What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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