i was rollin on her like bob the builder
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
