I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
