Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize