Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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