i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
