he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
