atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
