Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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