What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
