then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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