He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize