OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
