wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
