i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
