if i can run in heels then i can drive
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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