Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize