i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
