what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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