I feel great
I just peed on a car
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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