Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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